Tossing the salad

On my other more august site I have done something similar to this before, but because this flabby load of codswallop needs some life I'll do it again, but a more accurate rendering of the ravings.

The following is a typical email dialogue between two sentient beings, myself and Jorge the Pestilent. I have edited a couple of minor details and removed our email addresses, but otherwise it's a reasonable conversation between two grown men about handlebar tape. Parental and spousal warning, some of this content is not for delicate eyes and may be mildly disturbing and may result in my being banned from your house or you being allowed to fratenize with me in future.

It started with Jorge emailing me with a picture of some handlebars and tape, he wanted my stamp of approval.

-----Original Message----- From:Jorge To: His Lord and Master Sent: Tuesday, 15 September, 2009 8:29:46 AM Subject: upgrade Me likey them handlebars. Me also likey the tape....a lot: it's pretty damned shock absorbent as well being a perfect shade of black. It should prove to be durable, much like Helen Mirren.

-----Original Message----- From: The Dark Lord Sent: Monday, September 14, 2009 4:07 PM To: Jorge the Groveler Subject: Re: upgrade My tape of choice recently is the Fizik Dual. I got styley Black and Grey and it's a bit heavier than the regular Fizik, it's a shitload harder to wrap. Doesn't have any stretch, as I found out it's handed, left and right hand, but only after I'd tried wrapping one side. Finally installed, it is a fine hand caresser.

-----Original Message----- From:Obsequious Jorge To: The Font of all knowledge Sent: Tuesday, 15 September, 2009 11:18:24 AM Subject: RE: upgrade I've always wondered about the stretchiness of that stuff. I'd go crazy trying to maintain perfect spacing on each wrap.

-----Original Message----- From: Mr Sir Sent: Monday, September 14, 2009 4:24 PM To: Jorge the Peon Subject: Re: upgrade It just about broke me, I'd rate myself as a reasonably good bar wrapper and I like my spacing even. This was a good hour of fiddling to get it right, and there are still places that annoy me. I'll take some pics and show you.

-----Original Message----- From: Jorge Junior To: Ubermensch Sent: Tuesday, 15 September, 2009 11:26:01 AM Subject: RE: upgrade Almost broke you, eh? Given how quickly my anger can devolve into violence, I'm going to stay far away from that stuff.

-----Original Message----- From: Superior Being Sent: Mon 9/14/2009 16:55 To: Jorge the pitiful Subject: Re: upgrade If you are a tool thrower avoid it. Speaking of tool throwing, I'd like to throw my 6lb sledge at Pez, he's just a sack full of excrement. That posting of his in lugged vs mono on WW where he showed his stable was one of the more obvious displays of a lack of good taste that I've seen in a while, to add insult to injury he did it so that some other dropped pie would feel the need to tongue him and lick him while he stroked his own pole. I think WW has become so populated by the uninformed, but opinionated that there is little of any real value to be read there, and responding to all the stupidity would be a full time job. The list of culprits is lengthy, but their output is like a troop of baboons with typewriters.

-----Original Message----- From: Jorge the Grateful To: Sir Prancalot Sent: Tuesday, 15 September, 2009 2:18:06 PM Subject: RE: upgrade I am a tool thrower extraordinaire. I saw the Pez post, and thought, "What a self-congratulatory turd." As you so rightly noticed, the faux man has the antithesis of taste. He's the taste anti-Christ. It is pathetically sad that he needs to find self-affirmation in an internet forum. His bike post is the male analogue of a cheerleader asking, "Am I pretty?" Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if in the next few months he actually asks, "Am I pretty?" He thinks he's Mr. Tech, the Einstein of bike rag tech columnists. About 2/3 of what he says is wrong, and everything that he says is moldy bull shit. Reading the shit on WW is like watching 4 year olds discussing quantum theory (the Copenhagen interpretation, not the other two interpretations.). I get more intellectual insight from watching my dog shit, than I do reading WW. Ha! I did 30 miles today, and I don't feel half-bad. Upwards we go.

-----Original Message----- From: Strangely Normal Sent: Mon 9/14/2009 20:57 To: Jorge the Just in the bottom quartile Subject: Re: upgrade 48kms, that's a good improvement, the trend is in the right direction. I will post about my Sunday ride tonight on DF, it's worth posting about... 65kms, with about 1300m of ascending, it's an out and back, just up down, up down, it's a brilliant piece of hilly misery with a couple of absolute knee tremblers thrown in. What makes it additionally special is that the views are plus some. I reckon Pez has a full length mirror wall, and rides his bikes naked in front of it.

-----Original Message----- From: Jorge just jorge To: Straight to hell Sent: Tuesday, 15 September, 2009 4:19:00 PM Subject: RE: upgrade I could have gone farther, but I didn't wanna push things. It did feel good, though. And people made comments. One guy said, "you look really good with those handlebars, unlike the neanderthal throwbacks that use deep drops. Knuckle draggers shouldn't ride bikes." Honest. When Pez is standing in front of the mirror, he really likes the way he looks with the cucumber in his underwear. I'll bet he watches himself deep-throat his seatposts. Fuck nut. It makes you wonder what kind of idiot would hire him. I'd also like to pound a barn spike through J-Nice's forehead....either that or a log splitting wedge. My helmet's officially dead. The shell is delaminating, and I found a crack all the way through the foam in the forehead. There'll be no waiting for a MET helmet. I guess I'll see if the Deranged Bovine can front me a Bell Volt. Me no like the naked feeling I have now with the helmet on. I do like, however, the naked feeling I have when my purple helmet is on. I know Mme. Jovovich would like to spend a few weeks worshipping my purple helmet with her orifices. That is a scientific fact.

-----Original Message----- From: Superior in Everyway Sent: Mon 9/14/2009 21:36 To: Jorge the flawed Subject: Re: upgrade Only real men, and by implication men who Milla J or Jennifer Connelly would let place their throbbing gristle in their warm, wet mouths, ride deep bars. All other bars are for men who share a preference for anal sex with telegraph cucumbers to vaginal intercourse. That was the recent result of a survey by What Tasteful Hot Woman Want, additionally this research quoted a certain Dr Pez who stated he liked caressing his cucumber and shallow drop bars at the same time, it made him wet. J-Nice TP DJCo-wiener Stats Rich-Ti Legs 11 All deserve to be tied together and then sprayed with white phosphorus. Currie in a hurry was another who infuriated me, but he's gone on to join the English equivalent of Nambla. I'm looking at getting a new helmet, mine's getting on in age and I'm mindful that my toxic sweat won't be loving it.


-----Original Message----- From: Jorge the missing link To: Sapiens Homo Sent: Tuesday, 15 September, 2009 4:52:11 PM Subject: RE: upgrade Willy Pete is great because it's the gift that keeps on giving and giving and giving until there's nothing left to which to give. Quite uncomfortable, or so I hear. A bit worse than a bee sting. Before setting 'em ablaze with white phosphorus, I think it be most important to superglue all of their appendages to one another, that way they could all writhe together, perhaps in some rhythm of some sort.....you know: something you could set to music. See, it's not real men that Mila, Zoey D., and Natalie Portman want. No, what they want is real twisted men, i.e. me.

-----Original Message----- From: Sir Bow Before To: Jorge always obedient Sent: Tuesday, 15 September, 2009 4:52:11 PM Subject: RE: upgrade I'm thinking the soundtrack to The White Phosphorus Dance could be Altered Images "I could be happy" And, no you are incorrect, those women, and hundreds of others, want merely to be glanced at by me, then undress each other for my benefit, before engaging in some fine carpet munching. Of course, they won't leave me out of the action.

-----Original Message----- From: Jorge the insipid Before To: Almighty Sent: Tuesday, 15 September, 2009 4:52:11 PM Subject: RE: upgrade And the only reason those fine, delectable women want you to glance at them is so that they can ID you for the police. And the truth of the matter is that once the coppers haul you off for the crime of felonious indecency as a human being, the womynz want to know which of their asses I like scrogging the most and which girl looks the hottest eating pussy. That's what 9 out of 10 doctors say. They all want to take me away to deserted island so that they can spend the next year raping me without distraction.